2014 Cadillac Escalade ESV

🚨THE PERFECT LUXURY SUV FOR YOUR ENTITLED TEENAGER 🚨

Does your teenager say things like: “I deserve something nice.” “I cannot drive something basic.” “All my friends have luxury.”

Perfect. Presenting the 2014 Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum — Character Builder Edition.

This is the luxury SUV they want… with the life lessons you need.

💎 Platinum trim

📺 FOUR screens — because one screen is apparently “traumatizing”

💪 6.2L V8 that sounds like it pays property taxes

AND…

Governed by the Canadians at 80 MPH.

That’s right. It will downshift aggressively like it’s about to change your life… and then politely say, “No.” Mash the gas? Sure. It will rev dramatically. But it respects the speed limit like a responsible adult.

Additional parenting features:

• Pre-scuffed and dented — so Dad does not have to beat your butt for putting the first scratch in it

• Missing running boards — builds leg strength and humility

• Service suspension light on — reminder that life is not always smooth

• Oil pan seep — teaches them to check things occasionally

• Fresh brakes and a new windshield — because we still love them

This Escalade is not a garage queen.

This is a luxury SUV with backstory.

A Cadillac with wisdom.

A Platinum with personality. It runs strong.

Drives solid. Looks important in every parking lot.